It’s really easy to pretend everything is alright- or to stuff your emotions so deep down you are lower than the graves you wish to avoid and never feel or think about- until that one day it’s not. And that anger- fear- hatred- ball of shame is coming back up in ways that have nothing to do with the trauma itself- and your losing your temper in Verizon store because your ready to snap on Xavier over a sim card that won’t work- or you pouring down wine into your throat ready to feel the pain of drinking on a medicine that literally makes alcohol toxic to your body- so the pain from hatred you feel inside can also match the way you feel all over- knowing that the punishment will be worth it in some sick and twisted way because feeling pain is better than cosmically “feeling it”- then you have the validate the tissue paper and look at what exactly is driving these emotions inside you- and what tiny habits you are going to undertake to combat them.
It’s funny sometimes in therapy I don’t want to validate the tissue paper- in my head I am like “I ain’t no pussy”- which is troubling on its own and holds back ultimate growth- but it is one of those old automatic habits that needs to be first recognized- and then ideally extinguished from my brains automatic response tablet. Reaching for the tissue to dab your eyes when tears are swelling takes guts- trying to pretend your not about to burst into to tears- or just using your grubby fingers instead in my broken brain is a sign of weakness- my old school way of stuffing my feelings inside so I don’t have to deal with them. I been needing to validate that tissue paper a lot these past two months because growth dealing with trauma, and just life itself can be daunting when you are finally willing to deal with that heavy, uncomfortable bile that’s habituating inside you. Being in the middle of a journey can suck- but it’s where the most ultimate growth is found because it’s most daunting and uncomfortable lag of a voyage there is.
Throughout this latest journey I have had a couple highs- but mostly lows- ornery fucking lows. I figure it’s the middle this is where most of the shit hits the fan- which is an awful saying. Like why is shit hitting the fan- I have dealt while working in Residential a room that a resident had covered in his shit- like painted that motherfucker with his hands as the brush. My co-worker first solution was just to cover the room in bleach- unfortunately the shit and the bleach get the transformed and combined to make this room feel like if of Saddam Hussein dirty bomb had gone off. My eyes were bloodshot from the chemicals- and my nose burned- which did mean I couldn’t smell- and after while you just put your head down and cleaned up all the shit around you until it was done. It’s a lesson I wish I took more from at the time- because yesterday my twisted brain decided the proverbial shit needed to hit the fan- and that I needed to punish myself. It decided since the Antabuse is fully in my system now- meaning any alcohol would make me epically sick- that a bottle of wine was a good idea. I ensure you it was not a good idea.
Being vulnerable sucks- even worse not being validated for that vulnerability can even be just as troublesome and dangerous to our long term sustained growth. Sometimes we just want someone close to us to hear how we are instituting small changes in our life to get better and be praised for it- that validation is important because it tells you that person is trying to install life changing habits- and anything to better our mental health and life as a whole should be wholeheartedly applauded. Real change is slow- it takes a lot of time before “overnight” results are witnessed. Validating a close one’s progress-no matter how small or new is huge- and a genuine way to help keep that new change occuring for them over the long haul.
So I created new habits- even the way I phrased this sentence was intentional to create such habit. I didn’t write I am trying out new habits- because that sentence promotes doubt. When you are not all in- you get to live in the comfort of what it I could of been if just this happened- or it’s the beauty of wasted talent- it’s comfort in believing you are talented- but not believing you are talented enough to be vulnerable by trying to utilize that talent by going all in- meaning having your mindset to embrace the reality that failure will hurt- but the hurt of never trying will hurt hell of a lot more long term.
I wrote most of that before I went back inpatient- I was in the Portsmouth BHU for a week or so before Thanksgiving. I felt fine being in there- I seem to strive in such places- the outside world is where I struggle. I am so angry and full of despair and hate it. I responded to these feelings by drinking again and I fucking hate myself for doing it. But I am trying to change my habits- and I really want to so that’s why I am being honest on the only forum I know how to- writing on this blog which my failures at life are well documented. As usual my meds aren’t correct- I am fearful about money- I am about to file bankruptcy and lose my car. It’s hard to be positive but fuck it I am going to try. I have a new job that doesn’t pay well- but I get to work with elementary school kids so that’s a plus- I need to remind myself of the little things that are good in life. I am worried I am always going to be alone- crazy and one breakdown from going back inpatient. I know this doesn’t have to be my current reality and future though- and I am going to really work on altering my mindset- and creating these new tiny habits that will hopefully lead me to success-and maybe money and love- though my past says that won’t come anytime soon. But these small shifts of mindset will eventually pay off if keep at them daily- and one day they will pay off. Because even feeling 1 percent better tomorrow morning will be a huge improvement. Because honestly I don’t think I can feel any worst than I do today- so by that logic tomorrow definitely has to be better. And I can build off that little bit of success- because I have to get better. I love you all my readers- and I will damndest to get better so I can continue to share my journey with you. The last few days have been rough- but tomorrow doesn’t have to be.