The Freshly Washed Kale God

James Harden is hype for a new Broken Resolutions post!

All right readers I been having a bit of the old writer’s block. It’s not that I didn’t have any ideas to write about, but when I started to write the faucet I had hoped would be spewing forth tsunamis of words did not open, rather, like most middle schooler’s cameras during a zoom class, my faucet was definitely turned the fuck off.

So to engage this glacier of the mind I figured I think about what has often been the most popular content on this often malnourished of new content blog. Then it hit me: people love reading about anything promoting a healthy lifestyle, and it’s New Years so soon to be broken resolutions are in full effect. So for the past week I been getting my ITF 16-8 on! Ohh word you ain’t down win with the lingo? Well fear not for that’s why I am here to break it all down to you in it’s glory. ITF is the Poochie way of saying Intermittent Fasting- a hip now eating pattern designed to ideally make you feel better, lose weight, improve brain activity, and all that cross fit Jesus mindful commandments that are promised to you when you start praying to the kale god.

I chose the 16-8 method because I am not a sadist. This method involves eating for 8 hours and fasting for the other 16. There are other versions of fasting such as the eat-stop-eat method- where two times a week you don’t eat after dinner for 24 hours. And the 5-2 week- where two days a week you only eat 500-600 calories. But fuck those versions- we doing the 16-8!

I started this past Monday, and because I am bad at math my first two days was more of 14-10 breakdown. For two days I really thought there was only 8 hours between 11-9. Now this mistake happened because I teach individual math to two students. And these two students always make the same mistake when doing double digit subtraction of not regrouping, and just subtracting 9 from 1 as 8, when 1 is on top of 9 and thus needs help from his left side number friend to be properly subtracted. Anyway that blunder aside those days went by pretty smoothly since my lunch at work is at 11, and all I had to do was not drink my TB protein smoothie till later in the day instead of on my way to work. But alas by Wednesday I had discovered my mistake and ate my first meal at 1. Wednesday went easy- Thursday and Friday a bit of the hangry definitely arouse during the morning- had me feeling a bit on edge like a tween wearing her first pair of Vans to school, and then coming home to listen to Billie Eilish records on a turntable- all the while smugly mocking U2 for losing its edge even though they kept their guitarist. ( washed references are in full effect today.) As you can see by the now onslaught of words I am bombarding you with that by the end of weekend I awoke feeling full, and with the extra energy of the my pillow guy when he used to sleep on a pillow of crack each night. So I am going to keep it up the fasting for the next-week- see how my body reacts as I kneel at the altar of the kale god once more.

Speaking of my body this is where we talk about being washed. For being washed I use the example my man Desus put forth stating, “Being washed is a state of matter much like solid or liquid or plasma. Anything or anyone can be washed. The only known Law of the Washed Universe is that it happens to everyone.”

Embracing my washedness is a key on my journey to enlightenment. But sometimes you got to show yourself you still got it. So I found myself in race against time- aka my sixth grade student. As we turned for the homestretch of that basketball gym floor homeboy was right next to me-cue ‘Chariots of Fire’ music in the background- so I sprinted as hard as I could to barely beat him to the finish line. But washed or not I still had to prove I could still go when needed. Speaking of washed I just spent ten minutes trying to remember that Chariots of Fire was the name of that movie. A reference so old it came out a year before I was born.

So if you are wondering embrace being washed. Enjoy that gray in your beard, warm yourself with a cozy bathrobe and black tea, and come to terms that all your witty references will now go over anyone’s head who is old enough to be on the TikTok. But remember like Gucci Mane preaches continue to embrace your inner greatness and destroy all completion. If you see a sixth grader you race that student. And well- you beat that student. You embrace your inner Cobra Kai- no mercy.

Also shout out to Tom Brady for getting to the NFC finals, and proving he was an ideal choice for guidance to lead to me to a better self. And like that hunk I am drinking a lot of water. At least 16 glasses a day. It’s great. I feel hydrated as polar bear chillin under a waterfall in the Lazy River at Water Country.

The Quarantine 15 or 30

Part of operation lockdown is getting not only in mental shape, but also back in that physical shape. Depression and large consumptions of vodka is not ideal for my belly. It makes it get big like murder hornets under magnifying glasses. So to get back to my ideal uncle bod I am back on that healthy eating grind. To help in this process I got myself the Lose It app to track my food, calories, macros, and all my water drinking. I am trying to get my Tom Brady levels of drinking on. If I can’t drink the clear liquor I might as well drink the water by the pitcher. So I have been on this for a week and my average calories per day has been 1,718 calories a day. I have been focused on a liberal low carb diet- no keto because I like fruits and vegetables too much. For me having had success in losing a ton of weight before, over 75 pounds homie, I found my success in a lifestyle change rather than a diet that would prove untenable long term. Basically I eat a lot of fruit, vegetables, and lean meats. I mean I keep it basic as a white girl shopping at the Gap for a pair of slacks. And to make sure my portion control is on point I use a scale- shout to my scale. Portion control is huge, it’s a part of the discipline that keeps me on the straight and narrow, and I try to eat every couple hours rather than just big meals. Plus for my exercise without the gym I will walk, run, do yoga, stretch, push-ups, and bands for workouts on various days. So for my readers who have caught the quarantine 15 maybe this can help you get back in shape- regardless I know this will help me keep my health focus on. And if anybody out there is really good at the nutrition hit me up. I am still trying to figure out my grams of sugar- I am sticking around 40 with no added sugar- but damn that really limits your fruit intake. Anybody knows more about this leave me a message or comment. And here is a list of foods I ate Tuesday for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks.

I usually have a protein shake for breakfast.
Lunch usually a salad with a lean protein that’s usually chicken- but sometimes salmon, or lamb(on rare occasions).
Dinner I load up on vegetables, and a protein. Other times a vegetable soup with a protein.
Dave’s Killer Bread is amazing. Packed with all heartiness and the perfect pair for almond butter. Also I am a huge fan of The Quest brand. They have the best protein cookies, and bars.