That Day One Sober

Yesterday I passed out while drinking a fifth of vodka. I was supposed to be detoxing, but instead of reaching out to the people that care in my life I decided to pour the one thing that keeps ruining my life down my throat. I worry without alcohol I won’t be able to write, be creative, or even dj again. My depression and suicidal ideation doesn’t help- but alcohol only increases these abhorrent thoughts. It’s a sit and spin of increased terror. I am riding deranged Disney tea cups that will never stop until I pass out, and vow once again never to drink. Alcohol has already ruined so much in my life from friendships, to girls I loved, to jobs I gave away for a simple taste of spirits, and finally the trust of my family. So this is day one of sobriety. It’s funny how I think putting this out to the world of the internet will keep me more accountable. And maybe in the end it will, and ideally maybe help someone else who is struggling. Day one for me is usually a lot easier than day two or three. My anxiety stays relatively low, and the guilt and shame from my last debacle usually keeps the cravings at bay for those 24 hours or so. I like to isolate which is not the healthiest, but I did get to see my family for brunch today which helped. Usually I am avoiding the world- specifically social media or text messages- because I have tendency to blackout and send messages that are embarrassing, inappropriate, angry, or a combination of all the above. Honesty will set me free they say. So if anyone is reading this that has received that type of message from me I feel like that Casual song, “I Didn’t Mean To.” That’s for the obscure 90’s rap heads, and it’s actually about him hooking up with a girl with a boyfriend-which does make sense since I did cheat on my sobriety with that devil named vodka. But today I stayed sober. Tomorrow is another day and another test. But I will pray tonight to help me trudge forward with god in my heart, and Wu Tang in my headphones.

Broken Resolutions

I am not big on resolutions-especially New Year’s one. I used to have a blog called Drunk and Focused which I wrote about drinking, culture, music, and even reviewed every flavor of Maddog 2020. But it’s the first day of 2019, and my first day sober once again- and yes I know how fucking cliche it is to get sober on January 1st. Getting sober on the first is on some basic as fuck shit that it could be an American Eagle commercial. This also a chance to prove I am not washed up in the blog game. This site will not just be about not drinking, though I will journal each day of my sobriety, but it will also highlight the myriad of many other things fucking up my mind these days. So I will write about the joys of mental illness, rap music, tv, pop culture, rants, wrestling, why you should never Facebook message people while in a blackout, and a place to share my writing to prove all that student loan debt I am in was totally worth it to get an MFA. So get ready for the return of the LeBron James of this blog game- this time with a 12 step habit.