Invisible Agony

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” David Foster Wallace

This will be the last post for a bit- I am checking into an inpatient facility today. The suicidal thoughts, and the drinking have become too much to handle. I was thinking about jumping out the window of my second floor house last night but wrestling has taught me that won’t work. I would either land on a car, or a wooden fence that would break my fall and just leave me with an insane bump that would break my ribs among other body parts. I also thought about taking all my meds with alcohol but knowing my tolerance I would survive that too and end up full of charcoal. My brain tells me to do this but I can’t. I don’t want to put my family and friends through another loss. So I drink to numb these thoughts with alcohol- a slow suicide in itself. I have so many people that care about me yet I don’t reach out unless I am in a blackout and god knows what I say then. For anyone out there feeling like I do fucking have hope. Do whatever you can to get help. I am not preaching, but I just don’t want anyone to go through every day feeling like I do. I survived one attempt before- I don’t think I can survive another. Honesty will cure you. If you don’t think anyone cares I do. I started this blog to be honest with the world, and the honest truth as much as I want to end my life I really don’t. Hey if this saves just one person and allows them to get help I will have succeed. I showed my dad this blog yesterday- it hurt his heart. He can’t understand my suicide desires and it hurts his stomach to think about. It’s weird how a naked piece of paper can be the canvas to expose are sins, flaws, and fears to the world. How when the ink hits the page, and the innocence of the lines those words fit in are corrupted, that from this exposing to light of the world they lose the power they once held over us. We all can sin, but not all of us can be honest. I am hardheaded and pain is my best motivator, and after hitting so much of it I got to admit this faith thing works a lot better. Better to be free of my sins and suffering than living a lie and flourishing. I hope one day from my trust in god I will be able to find that balance. Until then I drudge onwards to spiritual enlightenment with an honest heart as my compass. With an honest heart as my only beacon of hope to ever arrive there. And With an honest heart as the only way to fight off those demons of self-destruction for another day.

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