Them bible folks say god rested on the seventh day- on my seventh day I got drunk. I hoped by putting my drinking out there in this blog world that would keep me sober-so I wouldn’t let down the tens upon tens of people who read this. But what it really boils down to is I still hate myself. This is not looking for self-pity for this is a reality I need to fix. I can use music, girls, the gym, or even writing to mask over this hatred, but deep down inside me there is an evil I can’t get rid of and it wants to destroy me. It’s the evil that stops me from calling someone before I go to the liquor store. It’s the evil that tells me lies about my self-worth. It’s the evil that wants me to self destruct because I feel that’s all I am worth. It’s an evil that makes suicidal ideation a norm of my daily life. It’s an evil that wants to push every and away anyone that cares for me because I don’t deserve love. I am more honest with these words here than I can be to anyone in real life. Who would trust me anyway when I told so many lies about my drinking before. I have became so good at being a chameleon I don’t know even know who I am anymore. I am Don Draper wishing just to be Dick Whitman. I worry I am too fucked up to be helped- the damage to severe. The tortured drunk artist is a myth. Bukowski did his best work sober. And I have no idea what it means to be happy. God I wish I could be sober. God I wish I knew what it meant to be happy. Until then I bitterly trudge on hoping to find something to cure me from this evil that has invoked my brain.
So You Want to Die
Posted on by Patrick Bernard
Published by Patrick Bernard
Patrick Bernard is a professional writer, dj, soccer coach and the Lebron James of the blog game. He has MFA from SNHU in creative non-fiction and has wrote for various magazines and websites such as the Boston Phoenix, Wire, Turntablelab, and numerous freelance projects including some of your favorite dj’s bios. His writing explores everything from mental health, professional wrestling, music, recovery, suicide, trauma, cam models, obscure kraut/psyche rock, murder, house music, death, weirdos, train bums and gratitude. View all posts by Patrick Bernard