Emotions are terrorists to our brains. They are grenades that shatter reality and destroy rational thought. It’s funny how depression can take everything beautiful in my life and distort it to all I see is ugly. How it can make everything wonderful in my soul- in my heart- and in my life become a weapon of self destruction. Ohh how many nighs I fought it off-did what I was supposed to became the Hulk Hogan of recovery- I said my prayers, took my meds, followed the steps, and helped others- everything they told me would keep that pain away. But then the pain resurfaced- disguised in a new garb- not thrift-shop but a fancy outfit this time. I didn’t see it coming. Slowly the pain started to distort my view- the beauty of the forest disguised by a dead tree-diseased and pock marked like an old man whose only joy is being the proprietor of sin- never realizing the so called the whores at his disposals where actually angels lusting for their wings. I don’t know why god needed me to hit so much pain again- but he did and I hit it. And I hope it’s the last time he asks me to do that because I am not sure I can overcome it the next time. My soul is getting tired- and I just want to be free someday. So maybe if I tell someone it will relieve it. Maybe if I confess I am tired god won’t see fit to have me trudge through this misery anymore. Cause god am I tired- so fucking tired.
Published by Patrick Bernard
Patrick Bernard is a professional writer, dj, and the Lebron James of the blog game. He has MFA from SNHU in creative non-fiction and has wrote for various magazines and websites such as the Boston Phoenix, Wire, Turntablelab, and numerous freelance projects including some of your favorite dj’s bios. His writing explores everything from mental health, professional wrestling, music, recovery, suicide, trauma, cam models, obscure kraut/psyche rock, murder, house music, death, weirdos, train bums and gratitude. View all posts by Patrick Bernard