A Catch 22 on Day 2

As night falls on Day 2 of sobriety, and the wind grows as cold as my soul has felt these last few weeks drowning in liquor, I am not feeling my normal detox symptoms. My usual extreme anxiety, tremors, creepy crawling skin, and a brain that feels like it’s on loop as if it was a air ballon lost in a hurricane hasn’t happened-well yet. The mental obsession is here of course- but weirdly the cravings haven’t had me figuring out ways to sneak to the liquor store. It could be that I am on high alert, and finally went to a new IOP that I thoroughly enjoyed this morning. Or, maybe, this blog thing is keeping my anxiety in check because I am not keeping any secrets from the world anymore. Being vulnerable is terrifying because it opens you up to emotions which can paralyze you in fear. Fear which makes you settle for a comfort zone that makes you miserable. But misery can be a safety blanket from that fear. The catch 22 of pain because it’s all you know. I have lived for so many years in a haze of anesthesia numbing myself with anyway I knew just so I didn’t have to feel life. Emotions terrified me. And from that fear I ruined so many relationships, friendships, and opportunities for success. But I finally realized my greatest strength is vulnerability because it makes me feel pain so I can experience joy again; a freedom to connect with others, and break down my wall. A freedom to pursue my dreams and realize even if I fail I am growing. And most importantly a path to the peace I have always been searching for under those bright stars that hide in the sunlight. Never had failure looked so tempting because on the other end is the journey to the joy of success.

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